Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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