I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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