Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
