If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I touched a dick in church today
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Randomize
