Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
