Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
