True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
