Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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