Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
