i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
