The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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