A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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