Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
