yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
