So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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