I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
