Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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