A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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