i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
