mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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