Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
