I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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