On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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