theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
