so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
