I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
