Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
