babies were throwing up all over the place
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
