Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize