capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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