She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
All I want is dick and wine.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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