Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Randomize
