I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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