i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I need to sanitize my soul.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
