It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
