I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize