One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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