I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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