i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
3 2 1 whiskey
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize