your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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