you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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