I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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