I will die if light touches me.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
