WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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