so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
