You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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