i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
