I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize