i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
