you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
