I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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