really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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