I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
