I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
