Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
