Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
