Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Blood and glitter go together right?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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