at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
