she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize