I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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